Bad Neighbor Relationships

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mrsamischa
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Bad Neighbor Relationships

Post by mrsamischa »

Mostly a lurker here but first time posting in the non guru related section!

I'm afraid I may have just screwed myself over with my neighbor ....

So I own my place, condo living yay, and got a new downstairs neighbor semi recently. Things seemed fine except she would sometimes watch TV very loudly from about 8-11PM (I'm talking I can tell what show she's watching and hear it word for word). She watches it at normal levels at other times, it seems to me like she turns it up loudly at night while she's doing things around her place maybe so she can hear it from other rooms. I was dealing with it but over time it got louder and more frequent. As a little signal to her, I would turn my TV on and up louder than hers for 5 minutes as a "hint hint" we can hear each other. When I was in college we did this to each other all the time in apartment living and it was in no way intended as a personal affront ... "oops my neighbor is probably studying or sleeping better turn it down". So while I know it's a bit passive aggressive I didn't mean any harm in it. And it worked! She would turn it down. So that was our little routine but then she stopped taking the signal and just turned hers up MORE over mine. When that happened I decided OK better say something this is getting a little ridiculous.

I was blown away by her reaction. I knocked and just said "Hey it's kind of late (10 PM) and I notice your tv is a little loud do you mind turning it down?" and she says "Hang on let me mute the TV I can't hear you" (exactly!) so I repeated myself and she said “Well guess what, this is communal living and you have to deal with noise and if you can’t manage then you have to just get out" (wow my options are deal with it or abandon my home and move???) then she added "And TRUST ME, I know when you’re home” So I said “What do you mean? What do I do?” and she said “I hear you come in, move around, flush the toilet ... I just know when you’re up there” And I said “Well ... I know when you’re home too. Those are communal noises I agree but I think a very loud TV at night is different. And if there’s anything I can do different please tell me I’d hate to think I’m bugging you.” And she said “I don’t know what it is you do but it doesn’t bother me because I understand how communal living works”. So in an attempt to bring the tone of the conversation down I said "OK, look. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t like doing this. I don’t want to bug you and if there’s ever a specific issue that you can call me out on please feel free to. This is getting hostile so let’s take a step back. I want to keep our relationship friendly, with lines of communication open" and she said “I agree” and I said “OK, I just want to relax peacefully at night and your TV is really loud sometimes. I’m here letting you know the volume level when it's this loud is a problem and very bothersome to me and to ask if you can please keep the level down?” and she said “OK” And I said “OK....and please tell me if there’s ever anything I can do differently if you're able to pinpoint it” (All I do when I am home is read fan fiction and move from the couch to my bed ... otherwise I'm at work or out. The fact that she couldn't tell me how she thinks I'm loud tells me it may have been made up). Anyways she said “OK” again. Let 5 awkward seconds pass "Anything else?" "No" "Ok bye" and pushes me out the door.

So the TV went down to a normal level the rest of the night, note I could still hear it at a normal level, but that doesn't bother me. Thin walls and all not going to be perfectly quiet. What do you guys think ... So far so good and I'm hoping she keeps it down from here out without another confrontation but in the meantime I want to mend the relationship back to un-hostile and because right now I feel so awkward even coming in and leaving my home for fear of running into her! I'm afraid I've exchanged a loud TV for awkward encounters every time I see her, and to boot I feel like I have to crawl on hands and knees around my place to keep her from hearing all this phantom nose I make. This is why passive aggressive people exist, confrontation is the worst!!

mrsamischa
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Re: Bad Neighbor Relationships

Post by mrsamischa »

And by the way, why does the "this is communal living you have to deal with other people's noises" rule completely get to negate the "This is communal living you should try to respect your neighbors" rule? I think you need a healthy combination of both to successfully live peacefully in apartment/condo living.

smars27
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Re: Bad Neighbor Relationships

Post by smars27 »

Some people think they can do whatever they want so I hate to say it, but you're probably screwed until you move out/she moves out. Just don't do what I did (actual confrontation/yelling where I say I'm not scared no...) and you won't get hit in the face..lolz. She did threaten you so you can "tattle" on her if you have to, but I don't think it will do that much good.

You either need to have a talk with the manager, or find a way around it (wear earplugs, bring guys back and pretend *or actually do* have loud/loud sex or turn up your music loud in the morning so she can hear it/etc but no matter what she's going to be out to get you, so the only way to get her to back off right now is to just put up and shut up.

She doesn't sound like someone who will listen to reason unfortunately as you did try and be nice about it, but I think she was already feeling defensive. I hate to say it but unless your condo manager has a talk with her and makes her respect your living situation there's not really anything you can do anymore. I don't know if it's loud enough to warrant calling the cops but you can see maybe if it's bothering your other neighbors.

You can also record the next conversation with her, just remember it can't be used in a court of law. But if you take a punch in the face you can send her to jail. Sometimes that's just how life goes.

mrsamischa
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Re: Bad Neighbor Relationships

Post by mrsamischa »

smars27 wrote:Some people think they can do whatever they want so I hate to say it, but you're probably screwed until you move out/she moves out. Just don't do what I did (actual confrontation/yelling where I say I'm not scared no...) and you won't get hit in the face..lolz. She did threaten you so you can "tattle" on her if you have to, but I don't think it will do that much good.

You either need to have a talk with the manager, or find a way around it (wear earplugs, bring guys back and pretend *or actually do* have loud/loud sex or turn up your music loud in the morning so she can hear it/etc but no matter what she's going to be out to get you, so the only way to get her to back off right now is to just put up and shut up.

She doesn't sound like someone who will listen to reason unfortunately as you did try and be nice about it, but I think she was already feeling defensive. I hate to say it but unless your condo manager has a talk with her and makes her respect your living situation there's not really anything you can do anymore. I don't know if it's loud enough to warrant calling the cops but you can see maybe if it's bothering your other neighbors.

You can also record the next conversation with her, just remember it can't be used in a court of law. But if you take a punch in the face you can send her to jail. Sometimes that's just how life goes.
Haha funny story the person who used to live below me had loud sex but that was less bothersome (I mean, it only lasted 15 minutes tops ...)

You mention defensiveness, I definitely think that plays a big part. I really don't get it, the second someone tells me (and it happened before, back in college apartment living) that I'm disturbing them I'm the fastest person to apologize and stop whatever it was I was doing. Getting upset and defensive about it would never even cross my mind. I really don't understand that mindset.

Going to try and stay positive and hope she continues to keep the TV down at night. I think the quiet was worth the confrontation so long as it sticks.

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Re: Bad Neighbor Relationships

Post by starlalight »

mrsamischa wrote:Mostly a lurker here but first time posting in the non guru related section!

I'm afraid I may have just screwed myself over with my neighbor ....

So I own my place, condo living yay, and got a new downstairs neighbor semi recently. Things seemed fine except she would sometimes watch TV very loudly from about 8-11PM (I'm talking I can tell what show she's watching and hear it word for word). She watches it at normal levels at other times, it seems to me like she turns it up loudly at night while she's doing things around her place maybe so she can hear it from other rooms. I was dealing with it but over time it got louder and more frequent. As a little signal to her, I would turn my TV on and up louder than hers for 5 minutes as a "hint hint" we can hear each other. When I was in college we did this to each other all the time in apartment living and it was in no way intended as a personal affront ... "oops my neighbor is probably studying or sleeping better turn it down". So while I know it's a bit passive aggressive I didn't mean any harm in it. And it worked! She would turn it down. So that was our little routine but then she stopped taking the signal and just turned hers up MORE over mine. When that happened I decided OK better say something this is getting a little ridiculous.

I was blown away by her reaction. I knocked and just said "Hey it's kind of late (10 PM) and I notice your tv is a little loud do you mind turning it down?" and she says "Hang on let me mute the TV I can't hear you" (exactly!) so I repeated myself and she said “Well guess what, this is communal living and you have to deal with noise and if you can’t manage then you have to just get out" (wow my options are deal with it or abandon my home and move???) then she added "And TRUST ME, I know when you’re home” So I said “What do you mean? What do I do?” and she said “I hear you come in, move around, flush the toilet ... I just know when you’re up there” And I said “Well ... I know when you’re home too. Those are communal noises I agree but I think a very loud TV at night is different. And if there’s anything I can do different please tell me I’d hate to think I’m bugging you.” And she said “I don’t know what it is you do but it doesn’t bother me because I understand how communal living works”. So in an attempt to bring the tone of the conversation down I said "OK, look. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t like doing this. I don’t want to bug you and if there’s ever a specific issue that you can call me out on please feel free to. This is getting hostile so let’s take a step back. I want to keep our relationship friendly, with lines of communication open" and she said “I agree” and I said “OK, I just want to relax peacefully at night and your TV is really loud sometimes. I’m here letting you know the volume level when it's this loud is a problem and very bothersome to me and to ask if you can please keep the level down?” and she said “OK” And I said “OK....and please tell me if there’s ever anything I can do differently if you're able to pinpoint it” (All I do when I am home is read fan fiction and move from the couch to my bed ... otherwise I'm at work or out. The fact that she couldn't tell me how she thinks I'm loud tells me it may have been made up). Anyways she said “OK” again. Let 5 awkward seconds pass "Anything else?" "No" "Ok bye" and pushes me out the door.

So the TV went down to a normal level the rest of the night, note I could still hear it at a normal level, but that doesn't bother me. Thin walls and all not going to be perfectly quiet. What do you guys think ... So far so good and I'm hoping she keeps it down from here out without another confrontation but in the meantime I want to mend the relationship back to un-hostile and because right now I feel so awkward even coming in and leaving my home for fear of running into her! I'm afraid I've exchanged a loud TV for awkward encounters every time I see her, and to boot I feel like I have to crawl on hands and knees around my place to keep her from hearing all this phantom nose I make. This is why passive aggressive people exist, confrontation is the worst!!
To smooth things over and make them more friendly, why not do some sort of gesture, like a little bouquet of welcome flowers, or a nice food treat. That way things are left overly friendly and hopefully there will be better feelings overall. The better you both feel towards one another, the more likely she will be to remember to be polite to you and keep the volume down, etc. Maybe include a little note about being sorry to get off on the wrong foot and you hope she will be happy in her new home and that you two can be friendly neighbors. Some nice sentiment would be good.

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